I fled; yes I said FLED; Texas in 2002. I had many reasons to leave and those that were there during that time may try to pretend they have no idea the reasons, but trust me, they know. I’m not going to rehash those reasons now. It really no longer matters.
It is now 2015 and I have been through hell and back in these past thirteen years. I lived through an extremely abusive relationship. I gave birth to two more beautiful children. I watched one of my children fight for their life only moments after being born. I have met new people, learned new ways to look at life, and learned to accept my mistakes and do my best to not make the same one twice.
I have made mistakes. Leaving Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and pinning my hopes on some sweet talker that promised a better life for me and my kids being one of the big ones. I know now that what I needed to do was stand up to those that were raging their own personal war on me and tell them to back the fuck off. I was/am a fucking good mother. I love each and everyone of my children beyond reason. Anyone stupid enough to play the “she left for a man” card need to seek therapy immediately. I left because I was being attacked from all sides. CPS was at my door so often that the case worker became a close personal friend. She even agreed to testify on my behalf in court when the ridiculous UNFOUNDED allegations were brought up again.
I digress. Yes, I have made mistakes, who hasn’t? The point of this blog is that you people seem to want to continue to paint me with some fucking paint brush that was distorted back then and even more distorted now. I’m not that scared little girl. I don’t need to try and please you. I am an adult and I am sick of the little mind games. The snide and backward comments.
You do not know me. Do you know where I go when I need to shut down from the world for a bit? Do you know how I interact with Caleb and Emily on a day to day basis? Hell, do you even know the name of their damn school? Do you know what my major was in college? Do you even know I went to college? Do you know that when any of the older kids calls me and asks me for money, I drop everything and make sure they get it?
Could you tell me the name of my best friend? What I enjoy reading? How I have learned to deal with the stress of life without hyperventilating? Did you know when I got married? Divorced? Do you even know my former married name because anytime I get mail, it is something different.
Do you know that every single night I thank God for giving me this opportunity to do things right this time? Do you know that even now my fight or flight is still very much a part of me and it takes all I have not to run at the first sign of trouble.
Do you know that in spite of what you told people, I have never once taken an illegal drug? Never smoked a joint, never stuck a needle in my arm, never snorted a line. I barely like taking the anxiety meds prescribed to me because of those past allegations.
Do you know that I rarely drink? I have the sole responsibility of two young children. Emergencies can happen at any time and I will never be too impaired to step in and get them where they need to be to seek help.
I am a rather quiet person. I rarely become more than just friendly with anyone in my area. I would rather stay at home with Caleb and Em than go out.
I read a lot. I work. I keep a clean home. Caleb and Em are amazing kids. They both love me almost as much as I love them. There is nothing better in the world than waking up and seeing those two faces.
The girl you knew died a long time ago. Her death is the reason why I have been told many times that I have no heart. The person I am today does indeed have a heart. I just choose to put my walls up and not allow you to see me crumble. I will smile. I will say “Okay”. I will then come to this very blog and write all the things I want to say. Most won’t get very far. I might post them with a password so that only a select few can read. I might just keep it private. Hell, I just might post it public and let the shit hit the fan.
My name is Ange. I’m a pretty good friend and one hell of a mom. Too bad you don’t know me.