Trust

So difficult to obtain and so easy to lose.

In a matter of five minutes, the reasons I refuse to allow many people into my life, were made abundantly clear.

I’m angry at myself for not listening to my gut. I kept telling people that there was something bothering me about your sudden reappearance, but because she wanted to trust you, I kept pushing the thought away.

I don’t let many people in to my world. Somehow you slipped in, but trust me, I won’t make that mistake again. My gut instinct is rarely wrong and the next time you show up, the door will be firmly closed and locked.

Was it worth losing a friendship that spanned decades? Was it worth knowing that by taking this stance the two people that would have done anything to help you are now out of your life for good?

I’m pretty sure I know why you did it. I wish I could say that made a difference, but it doesn’t. We are all battling some sort of demon. You can’t use that as an excuse.

I will say, you picked the wrong team. You see what he did do her. Do you really think he wants anything more from you beyond information? He is using you and when he no longer gets what he needs from you, he will throw you aside like yesterdays garbage.

By showing your true colors yesterday, you completely lost any ability to gather  anymore inside info. He will stop providing for you soon enough and then where will you be? Alone.

I hope it was worth it.

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Long time no blog

Life has been beyond crazy for the past few months. Much I can’t really address due to some ongoing court issues, but I can speak in general terms. I can say that the local court house has become my home away from home. I can also say that the hoops one must jump through in order to get protected against someone that has committed an act of violence upon them is RIDICULOUS.

Getting an initial restraining order went something like this….speak with an officer to find out if this is the best plan of action. Wake up the following morning and get to the court house at 7 am to get in line for when the office opens at 8. Be the first in line and the first to submit your paperwork. Wait…..

It was one o’clock in the afternoon before we left with our TRO in hand. Court hearings set up for a few weeks out in an effort to make those TRO’s permanent. First court hearing…arrive an hour before hand and wait….

Leave an hour and a half later with another court date due to the need to call witnesses. Breathe a sigh of relief, go upstairs to file the necessary paperwork to note the extension of the TRO, and you guessed it, wait…..

Gear up for round two only to be told they are granting yet another extension because someone lawyered up. More waiting….

I feel the need to say that this was not someone in my immediate family that caused the above situation. I am not in an abusive situation on any level.

So, in other news…school has started and my babies are loving it. Caleb loves his new teacher and Em was blessed to be back with her beloved team, so no changes for her. Tonight is back to school night and I can’t wait to hear how the first few weeks have gone through the teachers perspective.

We had a girls weekend a few weeks ago. Epic fail on one part and epic win on another. Jami got so sick I thought we were going to end up in the hospital, but instead, we ended up eating junk food in the hotel room and laughing our asses off at the situation. We had some major plans, but in the end, pretty sure how it worked out was for the best. She is feeling much better and who knows, another girl trip could be in our near future.

I had something else I wanted to write about, but as what has become a recurring problem, my mind has gone blank. Hope all is well in your world…I’m doing great.

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Ouch

I knew I was in for a painful day. I was prepared for my legs to me sore, my abs to hate me, etc. What I didn’t expect was my ankles would hurt. WTF did I do to my ankles? I think it is because I slipped on flip flops this morning for the long walk to the dog run. Had I put on my running shoes, I’m hoping the pain would not have been so intense.

Speaking of pain…my left arm is in serious trouble. I knew yesterday that my left arm was giving me more trouble with the weights than my right. I had to really push to get it extended. Well, I pushed too hard. Pretty sure I pulled something because it is killing me this morning. 

This isn’t going to stop me. I just won’t do any arm work today. I need to let my arm heal before I do something serious to it. I can still get my treadmill time and some ab work. I’m thinking today I will make use of the hydro massage. That thing is amaze balls and my sore body could use some pampering. I’m hoping with the promise of a nice massage after, I can get in a really intense work out in without my body totally screaming at me. 

On another topic, school starts in just a few weeks. I need to take the kids out this weekend to get school clothes. Emily has outgrown EVERYTHING and needs a whole new wardrobe. This is crazy since she really hasn’t ever outgrown things in less than a year. I always laughed that I saved a ton of money on her because she wore the same size for almost three years. Oh well, watching her grow is worth the price of new clothes. My baby is growing up. 

Caleb will only wear tan pants. Do you know how difficult it is to find different shades of tan? This is going to be fun. He asked me when he was getting his new shoes. The way that child burns through shoes, I will be getting those literally the day before school so that they are still in good condition when he starts. 

Whitney and Collin have their first house. She is moving in today. He is back out of town working hard for his family, so she will be setting up the house with the help of her dad and his family. She is so excited. It is a three bedroom, two bath, with a fenced backyard for the kids. It is exactly what they needed. I wish I were there to help her get it just so, but it just isn’t in the cards right now. Soon though…very soon. Little Miss Marlee is already a week old. She is so stinking cute and looks just like Paisley. 

Life is settling into place for her and I am beyond proud of all she has accomplished. Three gorgeous kids, a man that adores her and their three adorable kids, working on getting her college degree, and now their first home. She is just the most amazing woman I know and I am proud to be her mom. 

Okay, time to face this day. Who hid the pain meds?

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Accountability

I eliminated all sugars yesterday. I have had a hit and miss with the gym, but today, Jami and I put aside the million excuses we can create, and headed that way. I.Am.Dying.

I did my treadmill work with little issue. I headed to the machines to work on some “problem areas”. That was fairly easy, so I got brave. Okay, I got stupid, but we don’t need to use that word. Off I go to the weights. Bad, bad, bad idea. 

My arms are spaghetti. Which sounds so delicious right now, but I’m too tired to make it. We didn’t stop there. Oh no, not us. We came home and planked. 

Who the hell thought that was a great exercise? It just about killed me. I will admit it worked my abs far better than crunches, but dang. I will be doing them again tonight so if you hear a lot of cussing, that is me. 

Caleb asked me this morning why I was back to working out so much. I told him that it was time I recommitted myself to a healthier lifestyle. The goal is that when they go back to school, I hit the gym bright and early and get the hard workout over and done with. If I manage that, I can squeeze in a shorter run in the evenings. 

If I stay on the back roads, I will have sidewalks and won’t have to worry so much about uneven surfaces. For today, I am just going to enjoy my post workout pain and long for a nice hour long massage that will never happen. Well, if I get Jami drunk enough it might happen…..

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Time for a therapy session

It has been so long since I felt the need to sit down and just type my little heart out. I’m happy, in a really good head space, and loving life more than I ever could have imagined. Why than am I here seeking a nice healthy therapy session? Well, because I see one of my children suffering with some serious anxiety and I feel responsible.

This might come as a shock to many of you <insert sarcastic tone here>, but I am kind of difficult to live with. I take medications to help me stay focused. When those are slightly off, or I have one of those great ideas that I am doing so well that I no longer need the medication, life gets tricky. I will be fine one second and in the next I am in the midst of a major panic attack. This can’t be easy for my kids. 

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand and both are hereditary. Trust me, looking back at the behaviors from adults during my childhood, I didn’t just come up with this on my own. There were some serious issues that were never addressed and I think more than a few would have done far better had they just sought out a decent therapist. 

Which brings me to my child. I see the anxiety start to build right around now when the mention of school is brought up. This child once LOVED school and now will seriously break out into hives when the word is spoken. It isn’t a mean teacher, a non supportive school, or even an issue with classmates. This is in my child’s head and I am clueless how to help get it out. 

I have been blessed to have changed schools and seen so much more support for not only the academics, but also a focus on the mental health of my children. We discussed talking to a therapist the school provided and when we made the appointment, suddenly the anxiety disappeared and things were back to the child that once loved school. I regret not keeping that appointment, but at the request of the child and the change in mood, I didn’t. 

I sometimes wonder was it enough just to know that the teacher and myself were concerned enough to seek out assistance. I really won’t ever know because it isn’t something we bring up every day. I see it outside of school as well. When trying to master a new task, the anxiety flares and I hear “I can’t” more often than I hear “I did”. I try my best to push without being overbearing. I want my children to know they can do anything as long as they put in the necessary work. Life is difficult. We don’t just wake up one morning and know all we need to know about everything. We must take the time to learn it and master it. 

I hate that I am the reason my child is hurting. I want to assure this child that it will get better in time. They will learn the coping skills necessary in order to lessen the anxiety. I just hate that any child has to learn coping skills in order to function. 

To my anxiety ridden child I simply want to say; I’m sorry. I promise you that together we will get through this. No one did anything perfectly the first time they tried. You are perfect in my eyes. I will do everything I can to make this as much of a non issue for you as I can. I will never say you are too sensitive (I actually think that is one of your best traits) and I will do my best to never make you feel as though your emotions are wrong. I love you and you make me so proud every single day. 

Anxiety and depression suck. That is all.

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I’m not crazy…

I’m just a little unwell. Sorry, that song has been stuck in my head. 

Life is pretty calm. Well, as calm as it ever is when Jami and I are together. We are hitting the gym, planning our road trip, and balancing our kids wants and needs. Trust me, that is crazy enough. 

Whitney gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl early Tuesday morning. I so wish that I had been there, but financially, it just wasn’t in the cards at this moment. My goal is to be there around Christmas. We haven’t spent a holiday at home in years and I think Caleb and Em would enjoy it. One of those things I just have to work toward. 

Fortunately, I have two new acting jobs that will go into my “Meet Marlee” fund. I am trying to convince Jami that she needs to visit Texas with an actual Texan so that she gets the real story and not the “this is how they do it” kind of tourist thing. Plus…I hate driving alone and I’m pretty sure we could laugh the entire way. 

School starts in just under a month. I have got to get clothes shopping and get Em a new backpack. Girlie does not like the “kiddie” ones. She is just like her older sisters; she needs a Roxy “big girl” backpack. I am beyond thrilled that she will remain with the same teacher next year. I am hoping I can convince Mrs. L to just keep moving up grades with her, but thus far, she isn’t taking me up on the offer. Oh well, I have a whole year to stress about who her next teacher will be and if Em will adjust. Where did I put that tequila?

One day I will sit down and write a real blog, but for now…mindless banter.

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When life gets crazy….

Do something normal. Well, while I won’t go into any details to protect the innocent and not so innocent, this weekend was all kinds of crazy. The past two days have found Jami and myself just trying to return to normal. Yesterday I don’t think either of us left the house. The kids were good and it was just a nice quiet, much needed, mental health day.

I can honestly say that after a really bad start this morning on my part, we both seem to be in a much better state of mind. At least for this very second. It could change, so don’t push your luck. 

I did email Vons about the ridiculous new manager. She does absolutely nothing and today, seriously, I almost cursed her out. Lack of bail money is what got me out the door. 

I also heard from the grandmother of the kid that tossed Caleb’s scooter in the pool last week.  She was a bit ticked off that I notified the sponsor and not her. After reading her ridiculous email, there is no doubt I did the right thing. I can now say it really isn’t the kids fault he is so rude. It is apparently how he has been raised. I wrote her back one of my infamous “I’m in a mood so I’m going to speak so far above your level of comprehension that it will take you a week to figure out exactly what I said.” Hey, what can I say, I’m a writer. I did request that she never contact me again and blocked her email. As far as I was concerned, this incident was over a week ago. Bringing it up again is not going to make me see your point of view. Your kid was wrong. Caleb was wrong. It would have ended that day had he shown me one inch of respect. Can’t fix stupid, so we are done. 

Tomorrow is full of paperwork. I figure I can do paperwork in my jammies. If I’m lucky, Jami will have discovered a new series on Netflix and we can chill in between papers. Oh, and at some point we are going to the gym. We might have to drag ourselves down the stairs, but we are going to the gym. 

So yes, things got a little crazy, but we made it through and we have some pretty funny stories that we can never tell anyone. Unless we get drunk and mention it, but we never do that. Well, hardly ever. 

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